An Exercise in Self-Knowledge: The Story of Mary Clare

Self-knowledge is the beginning of wisdom; without it we can’t really be true to ourselves, love ourselves, or live out of our authentic self. Self-knowledge is a gift from God that sets us free to be real, and to love God and others with our whole self—all our heart, mind, soul, and strength. This is the story of Mary Clare—a woman on a journey to know herself so that she can be the woman she was created to be, and love in the way she was created to love.

Mary Clare is a “handmaid of the Lord.” At least, this is what she feels called to be and wants to be. Mary Clare went to see her spiritual director about her relationship with a friend of hers. She was troubled about her relationship because it seemed to her that her friend had a problem with gossiping, and Mary Clare found herself being pulled into listening to this gossip. She felt sick and wondered if she should discourage this friendship. After sharing some of her feelings and thoughts, her director suggested that she gather all these thoughts and feelings together and give them each a personal name, and then allow each one to speak and have their full say.

Mary Clare went home and did as her director suggested. After calling all her inner companions together, she allowed each one to speak while she listened carefully. Curious Cathy spoke first. She was full of questions: “I wonder what the secretis? Why is she telling me these things? I wonder if these things are really true. I wonder if these things are false. I wonder what things she has said about me. I wonder what I should do—how I should respond. I wonder if it would really help for me to say anything, or if it would do any good? I wonder if it would make her feel like I am judging her.”

The next person to speak was Timid Timothy. He began to whine, “I’m afraid of saying the wrong thing. I don’t want to hurt her. She might not want to see me anymore. It might make her angry or embarrassed. She might become depressed and withdraw like she did the last time. She is very hard on herself.”

Following Timid Timothy, the triplets, Disapproving Dinah, Judging Judy, and Angry Anna stepped up to speak. They seemed to all talk at once, saying: “This is terrible, disgusting, and so un-Christian. Gossip can destroy a person’s reputation, good name, character, and self-esteem. It is very abusive. Sometimes, gossip can even be as destructive as murder. She is not a good friend to have. If she talks about others, she will talk about you, too. You should be ashamed for listening. Why didn’t you speak up and correct her? You are not innocent, you know. You gossip too, more than you know. I can’t respect her and I can’t respect you either if you remain her friend. This whole thing makes me angry.” Finally, they sat down.

Sorrowful Susie began to cry, saying: “I feel so bad for the people she is talking about. I feel bad for anyone I might have hurt by gossiping or listening to gossip. I feel dirty for listening. I wish I hadn’t listened. I feel bad for times I have participated in gossip in some way. I feel bad for the times I’m not even aware of gossiping. I feel so ashamed. I feel sick to my stomach. I want to leave. I want to go home.” But, before she could leave, Legal Larry jumped up. Shaking his finger, he said, “Let me remind you, gossip is a sin. You should not gossip or listen to gossip. When you see someone doing something evil, it is your duty to speak out and confront them; if you don’t, it is a sin. You must go to Confession and receive absolution.” After Legal Larry sat down, everything was quiet for a little while.

Breaking the silence, a voice broke out from the back of the room. It was Fearful Fanny. “I can’t trust her,” she cried. “She could hurt me. If she talks about others, she will talk about me, too. Even worse, she could hurt my children. Oh no, what things have I shared in confidence about my children and loved ones? I want to get away from here.” Then, suddenly, Perfect Polly jumped up. With one hand on her heart, and holding up the other, she vowed, “I will not gossip again or listen to gossip. I will resist being curious. I will not be timid, but speak out boldly. I will not be angry or judge, or disapprove. I will simply walk away and shake the dust from my feet. I will go to Confession.” Everyone began to laugh and snicker, saying: “Yeah, how many times have we heard that before.” Perfect Polly sat down again, a little discouraged and having second thoughts.

Everyone finally got quiet again. There was one more person who had not spoken yet—Wise Wendy. All eyes were on her. Slowly and reverently, Wise Wendy stood up and began to speak in a soft and gentle voice. “Mary Clare, give thanks to God for the grace, the light, to recognize how damaging gossip can be to people. Give thanks for the grace, the light, to see your own weaknesses. Be still and listen! Is it really your place to correct your friend? Is she less knowledgeable than you are? Do you think you need to form her conscience? What are you afraid of? What could she say about you that could hurt you, or your loved ones? If you are innocent, no amount of gossip, lies, or slander can really hurt you—unless you let it. If you are guilty, then, the truth can only set you free. Your friend may not even be aware of what she is saying, or have any intention of hurting anyone. Pray for her! Listen with your heart. Sometimes we speak out when love calls us to be silent. Other times we are silent when love calls us to speak out. Listen with your heart and you will know when to speak and when to be silent. There is no hard and fast rule. Listen to her heart, not her words, and the gossip won’t affect you. It will fall on deaf ears.”

Wise Wendy continued to speak. “You don’t have to go to Confession, but it would be a good thing to receive the Sacrament of Reconciliation. It is an encounter with the Lord that is always cleansing and healing, and your joy will be complete. It is a means of bringing everything to completion—of closing one door and opening another. Know yourself, Mary Clare. Self-knowledge is the beginning of wisdom and enables you to know others. When you know yourself and others, you will know what is reasonable to expect from yourself and others, and what is unrealistic or unreasonable to expect from yourself and others. Learn from your weaknesses. They are a gift and have something to teach you. If you didn’t have weaknesses you wouldn’t need anyone. You wouldn’t need God or his grace. You wouldn’t be able to grow or to receive. You would become like a statue or pillar of salt. Accept your humanness—your weaknesses and your neediness. Mary Clare, you know your friend well enough to know that she is very hard on herself—that it would not have helped her for you to correct her. She will correct herself, later. If you corrected her, she would have felt judged and would have withdrawn, feeling rejected and unloved. Her intention was not to gossip, but to share something personal with you—to show you that she trusts you because you trusted her with a confidence.”

Stopping only to pause for a moment, Wise Wendy went on. “Listen, Mary Clare. Your disgust is also a gift. Let your disgust lead you to compassion and love. Love is a fire—a passion. To love what is good is to be passionate for good. To hate evil is also passionate. God is not passionate, he is passion. Humans are not passion, they are passionate. To hate evil is to experience the passion of disgust in the face of evil. Evil grieves the spirit within us. Evil is a stench. Disgust for evil is a good thing—without it, we become friends with evil—we become co-dependent. Face evil—stand up to it—don’t run away from it. It can’t hurt you if you have love. Love your enemies. Love those who do evil but hate the evil they do. Seek the good in your enemies and your respect and love for them will return. (Pause)… There is a time to be silent in the face of evil and a time to speak out. Listen to your heart—to love—to the Spirit within you. Sometimes we have to resist the devil (ignore him) and he will flee from us. Other times we have to take authority over him (in the name of Jesus—in the name of love) and command him to depart from us. God is not both, good and evil. God, alone, is good. Humans are not God. The creation of humans is good. Humans are only good because they are created by God—by goodness, personified. They are good because God is within them—but, they are not God. God is distinct from them. Evil is the rejection of good—of God—of love—of the uncreated God within the heart of every person. God is incapable of rejecting his own self. He is incapable of evil. But, humans, being merely creatures, have a choice—free will—and can reject God. Therefore, they are just as capable of choosing evil as they are the good God that created them. It is not an easy choice. It takes great love, faith, and trust to choose God over our own self.”

Mary Clare interrupted, “Wise Wendy, could you stick with the subject—I’m getting distracted.” “Sorry, Mary Clare, I do tend to get carried away. As I was saying, people are not evil. We have to separate the person from the action if we want to love them. Do you really love your friend? Hasn’t she been a good friend to you in the past? Doesn’t she have many wonderful gifts and qualities that you admire in her? Then, why would you want to run away? Don’t let fear of being hurt cause you to run away. Respect your friend’s dignity. Respect her as a child of God—because she is a child of God. Love your friend with all your heart—even when she rejects you. Listen, Mary Clare! Your curiosity is a gift. Let it lead you to God, to love, to understanding, to self-knowledge, to beauty, to truth, to wonder and awe, and to reach out for the stars. Your timidity is a gift. Let it lead you to patience, to tolerance, to listen, to self-control, and to prudence. Your disapproval is a gift. Let it lead you to love what is good and hate evil—to love the sinner (including yourself) and to hate the sin. Your sorrow is a gift. Let it lead you to repentance, to reconciliation, to change, to healing, to forgiveness, to mercy, to Jesus, to the Sacraments, to compassion, and to joy. The law is a gift. Let it lead you to the Holy Spirit and to put on the mind of Christ. Let it lead you to knowledge, wisdom, and understanding. Let it lead you to the desire for, and acceptance, of grace. Your fear is a gift. Let it lead you to courage, to die to self—to sacrificial love—to trust wholly in God. Your perfectionism is a gift. Let it lead you to grow in holiness, to thirst for righteousness, to sanctity, to transformation, to perfect love, and to hope.” Wise Wendy suddenly realized that she had probably talked too much, so she graciously excused herself and sat down.

After Mary Clare had thanked everyone and they all left the room, she began to reflect on all that had happened and all that she learned. As she sat and enjoyed the quiet, the memory of her former husband came to mind. She came to the realization that at some point, late in her marriage, she had let her disgust for evil—her husband’s fear, anger, and depression—become disgust for him. She lost respect for him. She let her aversion to evil become an aversion to her husband. She ran away from evil instead of facing it. She also ran away from love and from her husband. Her husband was not evil, and had many wonderful gifts and qualities, but evil used him to drive her away. She let evil drive her away. Mary Clare saw further that she also had an aversion to how she reacted to things her husband said and did. She ran away, not only from her husband but from herself. Of course, there were many other problems in the marriage, but this was one she needed to take responsibility for.

Mary Clare recalled another recent incident. Her son was an alcoholic and had been away from the Church for several years. He was opposed to any form of organized religion. She loved her son and always prayed for him. Finally, her son decided to go into rehab and came to stay with Mary Clare until he could get back on his feet. Mary Clare had shared about her son with some of her close friends and had prayed for him at some of her Church groups. She had hoped that he would join her in attending these groups. She was anxious for him to meet one man in particular, who was a musician, because her son had a great love and talent for music, as well. One night, one of her friends called her and asked how her son was doing. Mary Clare proceeded to tell her, “Good, he’s going to a lot of meetings.” After she hung up, her son came to her and said: “Mom, I couldn’t help over-hearing your conversation. I would have liked to meet some of your friends, especially the musician, but you have told them all about my problem. Labels stick! When they meet me, they won’t see me; they will see your alcoholic son.”

Mary Clare realized that her indiscriminate sharing had really hurt her son and created obstacles for him to start a new life. She went to her son, crying, and said, “You are right, please forgive me, I’ve really done you an injustice.” Her son replied, “Its okay, Mom, I understand, it’s a part of who you are, but thank you for acknowledging it.” As Mary Clare reflected on this incident, she realized that this was another problem in her marriage. She had often shared “her story” with various groups of people, using her own experiences as examples in teaching. However, her experiences also included those she loved—especially, her husband and children. She realized that she must have shared things about her family that were an invasion of their privacy. Her husband was a very private person, and objected to her sharing her personal experiences—even with the children. Now, she could understand why this was so offensive to him.

Mary Clare, then, recalled the incident of gossip with her friend that had left her feeling so much disgust. Prior to this, Mary Clare had shared with her friend, an experience of reconciliation between two of her adult children and of what preceded the reconciliation. She shared it because it had given her great joy, and because she had learned something very important about herself from their experience. Mary Clare was eager to pass this on to her friend. It seems that her daughter had made a comment that was very inappropriate, in front of her son and their children. Her son was indignant and proceeded to correct his sister in front of the children. Both siblings confided their hurt and dismay to their mother. Her daughter confided that she felt judged, rejected, and unloved by her brother. She knew as soon as she made the comment that she shouldn’t have said it, and it wasn’t what she intended to say. It came out all wrong. Like her father, she always had a problem expressing what she really wanted to say. Often, others hushed her or put her down because of it. Mary Clare shared that information with her son. When he realized how his sister felt and what he had done, he immediately called his sister and they were reconciled. This event made Mary Clare realize that during her marriage, her husband would often make inappropriate remarks and Mary Clare would reprimand or correct him—often in front of their children. She realized how much this must have hurt him and how demeaning it must have been for him. She made him feel just the way her daughter felt—insignificant, judged, rejected, and unloved.

When Mary Clare shared this story with her friend, her friend responded that she could identify with both of Mary Clare’s children. It was then that the friend went on to share some secret gossip about other people. Looking back at this whole incident, Mary Clare wondered if perhaps her friend felt that since she shared this personal story about her children with her, that she should do the same—a “secret” in exchange for a “secret.” Mary Clare had felt disgust not only because of her friend’s gossip, but also because deep down she realized that what she shared could also be gossip. Mary Clare had disclosed a confidence about her son and daughter that she had no right—no permission—to do so. She also realized that inappropriate sharing about family members was a long-term problem for her. It was a betrayal of confidence and could be just as harmful as gossip—regardless of her intentions. She would need the grace of God to change.

Suddenly, Mary Clare remembered her son’s words to her—“Its okay, Mom, I understand, it is part of who you are, but, thank you for acknowledging it.” She realized that there were a few people missing from her little group of “inner companions”—the triplets, Vulnerable Valerie, Witnessing Wanda, and Zealous Zita. So, she called them in and asked them why they were hiding. They responded, “We were confused and didn’t feel like we fit in with the rest of the group.

Witnessing Wanda said, “I feel that I am called to be a witness—to witness to the Lord and to my relationship with him. I want to share my whole self with others—all that I am. I want to share my journey of life with others. Jesus is a part of all that I am and of my journey—and so are all those that have made that journey with me.”

Then, Vulnerable Valerie spoke, “It has always been through my weaknesses—my vulnerability, my sins, failures, sufferings, and ignorance that God has been most present and powerful in me. I want to be vulnerable—to share these experiences because God works through them. But everyone I love is also a part of me. I can’t share myself without sharing about them, as well. I can’t expose myself without exposing things about my loved ones, as well. I share my life as Mother, as wife, as friend, as lover, as sister, as daughter and that involves those who are part of those relationships. I don’t know how to share all of this without also sharing the experiences of those I love—exposing their weaknesses, failures, suffering, sins, frailties, and ignorance.”

Last, but not least, Zealous Zita stepped forward, “I want to help build the kingdom of God on earth. I want to help others, to love others, to serve others. I want others to experience what I have experienced—the love and power of God. Within my life, there is a blueprint for the kingdom of God. I want to share that blueprint. I want to lead others to the Lord—all those who do not know him. I want to be a handmaid of the Lord.”

Mary Clare realized that she couldn’t exclude these last three companions from her inner circle. They were part of her, too—the biggest part. She could only take one day at a time and trust in the Holy Spirit to guide her.

From all these events, Mary Clare saw that God was calling her to a greater love—to be slow to speak and quick to listen—to listen with her heart, not her head—to only take responsibility for changing herself, not others—and to use prudence when sharing things that concern others. She prayed for the grace to listen with her heart to the hearts of others, for the wisdom to know when to speak and when to be silent, and for the discernment to know what to share and what not to share.

Mary Clare recognized what a great grace she was given in being able to see her faults and weaknesses. She responded to this grace by writing her former spouse a letter of amends. She also gave thanks to God for helping her to recognize her weaknesses and how they have affected others, and for revealing the gifts within her weaknesses. The greatest gift that Mary Clare received through this experience was that of coming to know herself a little better, so that she could be free to be herself—free to love herself, God, and others.