Covenant, Law, and Grace

The “Law,” the Ten Commandments, can be summed up in the “Two Great Commandments.” The first is: “The Lord our God is one Lord; and you shall love the Lord your God with all your heart, and with all your soul, and with all your might.” This was the commandment that Adam and Eve disobeyed which resulted in sin and death and brought all of humanity under condemnation, severing their relationship with God. Adam and Eve rejected the one Lord through their disobedience and lack of reverence and trust in God. They turned to idolatry by listening to the serpent and deciding to form their own conscience, apart from God. This commandment includes the first three of the Ten Commandments.

The second great commandment is like the first, and contingent on it. If you cannot keep the first, you won’t be able to keep the second: “You shall love your neighbor as yourself.” This commandment includes the last seven of the Ten Commandments. Adam and Eve are “one flesh,” interdependent. Whatever they do to each other, they do to their own self. Together, they represent the bride of Christ. When they sin against God, they also sin against each other. Their original sin against God radically affected their relationship with each other, as well as the rest of humanity; and even the earth. All of humanity represents the “bride of Christ.”

Through Moses, God gave the Law to his people. Through Jesus, God gave the Spirit, as well as the forgiveness of sin and the grace needed to keep the Law. The Law, alone, cannot save people. We need grace, the Holy Spirit. It is only through grace that we can fulfill and live in accordance to the fullness of the Law. To break one commandment, one time, is to break all of them, and leads to death. In fact, at the time of Moses, the punishment for breaking most of the commandments was death.

We are told that there are two judgments that every person faces at death; the judgment of our sin against God, and the judgment of our sin against humanity. It is not only important for us to receive forgiveness from God, but we also need to forgive others, and to be forgiven by others. Perhaps the main reason why so many choose Hell is that we are so unwilling to forgive one another, and to receive forgiveness.

St. Paul explains the difference between living under the Law and living under the Spirit in his letter to the Romans, Chapters 4 thru 8, “For sin will have no dominion over you, since you are not under law but under grace (Rom. 6:14). Paul tells us that the Law was given to form our conscience. If there was no Law, there would be no sin. Sin entered the world through the Law. If God had not told Adam and Eve not to “eat of the tree” they would not have sinned, and would not be accountable if they ate of that tree. Nevertheless, if they ate of that tree, in their ignorance, they still would have suffered death in their body; like some kind of virus that gets into their cells and changes their whole genetic structure. The Law warns us of what will destroy us and what will bring us life.

The consequence of their original sin is that when we are told not to do something, sin takes advantage of that, and causes us to do the very thing we don’t want to do, that which we are forbidden to do. Sin produces temptation. “I can will what is right, but I cannot do it. For I do not do the good I want, but the evil I do not want is what I do. Now if I do what I do not want, it is no longer I that do it, but sin which dwells within me.” (Rom. 7:18-20). We need grace in order to strengthen and exercise free will.

Without the Law, we would not be able to form our conscience. We would not know the difference between good and evil. We need God to form our conscience through the Law. Otherwise, we could not have the freedom to choose, and to develop our will. We would have no choice. Love is a free choice of the good. We were created for love, to love, and by love. We need the Spirit to understand the Law and to follow it, to love as God loves.

Therefore, the Law cannot save us. We are still under condemnation, and subjected to futility, “for the creation was subjected to futility; not of its own will but by the will of him who subjected it in hope (Rom.8:20). Without the Law, we are without a conscience, and though we are not guilty of sin, we are barbarians and not fit for community life or relationship with others. “Wretched man that I am! Who will deliver me from this body of death? Thanks be to God through Jesus Christ our Lord!” (Rom.7:24-25). Only Jesus, through the forgiveness of sin, and grace through the gift of the Holy Spirit can save us. If we live in the Spirit, we will live all that the Law commands, naturally, and without living under the Law of sin and death, “For the law of the Spirit of life in Christ Jesus has set me free from the law of sin and death” (Rom.8:2). The Law will have served its purpose, and we won’t even need it. The Law is necessary to form our conscience according to the mind of Christ, and grace and the Holy Spirit are necessary in order to live according to our conscience.

Many Christians today do not have, or have never had a fully formed conscience, and have not been able to live a life in full accordance with the Teachings of Jesus. They are not accountable for what they do not know or have not learned. When they learn the truth, they are not accountable for sins committed in ignorance in the past, or for bad choices. But, once they know the truth, they are accountable for what they do thereafter. Nevertheless, even if they are not accountable for sin, they still suffer the consequences of all their choices; past, present, and future; unless the Lord in his mercy intervenes. Many Christians today had well-formed consciences but lacked the fullness of the Holy Spirit in order to livethe truth. They need to be “baptized in the Holy spirit.” Many Christians today suffer from psychological, physical, or mental impediments which render them not culpable or only partially culpable for sins committed. They are dependent on God’s mercy and the mercy of others.

This is a great challenge for the Church. She must always teach the whole truth, in accordance with the stages of growth, and never water down or teach falsehoods. She cannot change divine Law or make exceptions to the Law. She cannot fall into the trap of “situation ethics” when it comes to the Law. Yet, she must be able to meet everyone where they are and show mercy where it is most needed. All priests and pastors need to be baptized in the Holy Spirit and have the gifts of counsel, discernment, wisdom, knowledge, and understanding. They even need these gifts, in some measure, in order to grant absolution of sins in Confession and to counsel sinners.

Marriage, Family, Divorce and Annulment

Jesus taught that when two people get married, they are no longer two but one flesh. What does that mean? It does not mean that they are somehow fused together and lose their personal identity or personhood. If that were true, then when one died the other would only be half a person. It means they share the same life in this world. They share the same children, extended families, friends, community, and tribes. They share the same family goals and values. They share the same concerns and problems. Everything they have belongs to both of them. They become a couple and that is how everyone sees them. They are of one mind and heart. Whatever happens to one happens to both of them; including poverty or riches, suffering or joy, success or failure, sickness or health, good times or bad. The whole of their lives is interdependent.

Divorce is not one of the Commandments, but adultery is. Jesus said: “What God has brought together, let no man put asunder.” In the case of adultery, the punishment was death by stoning, or one could quietly divorce their spouse. Adultery shatters the relationship. Marriage was intended by God to be a permanent, life-long commitment of love and fidelity. If one party dies, the other party is free to marry again. Divorce was especially terrible in Jesus’ day because if a man divorced his wife, she was left with nothing, including her name, children, and reputation. She was labeled an adulteress or unfit. She was often forced into prostitution in order to survive. Divorce, even if one does not remarry another, can be just as damaging to the couple and the family as divorce and remarrying.

Today, one problem with remarriage after divorce, and also even after an annulment, is that when two people divorce and remarry another they take their former spouse with them into that marriage, along with the problems, pain, hurt, anger, and expectations. They take the whole life of their spouse with them, the life they shared together. They project their former spouse onto the new spouse. Because they take their former spouse with them, they are not really free when they enter that second marriage. The second marriage becomes like an adulterous relationship, or polygamy. In the Catholic Church, two people can get a divorce but they are not free to remarry without an annulment. They are still married and the divorce merely represents a separation. If they remarry, it is considered habitual adultery. We don’t really understand how two people can still be one flesh after a divorce, but in some mysterious way they are still bound to each other. They are not free to remarry.

A valid marriage requires that both parties are free to get married, and also free in their heart and mind to make a life-time commitment; free to give their self to the other and free to receive from the other. This is not possible if they are still married to their former spouse. Even if they are divorced, they are still one flesh, unless there was some impediment preventing them from truly becoming one; which would mean they were never really married. In this case, that judgement would still need to be confirmed by the Church in order for the couple to be “free” for another relationship. The couple would also need to go through a process of healing before they could be “free” to move on. But, a divorce from a valid Sacramental Marriage would make another marriage nothing more than an adulterous relationship.

Is there ever a time or circumstance when remarriage after divorce, without a formal annulment, is not adultery? Is there ever a time when their second marriage could be holy, and not considered adultery? Is there ever a time when the couple would not be judged as living in a “state of habitual mortal sin?” Can a person or couple manifest the fruit of the Spirit that St. Paul talks in about in Gal. 5, if they are in a state of mortal sin? Is there ever a time when they could receive the Sacraments? What do we mean by “mortal” sin? Do we really understand what sin is? Why do we need the Eucharist? Do we really understand what it means to be properly disposed to receive the Eucharist? Why do we still need Jesus? How do we reach out to all the baptized Christians, lost in the world, and bring them back into the fold?

I believe that these are the kinds of questions and issues that Pope Francis is grappling with in “Amoris Laetitia” and why he is begging the Church to enter into discernment in the Holy Spirit. He is suggesting an “internal forum” for pastors to use in counseling couples in irregular relationships in order to lead them back into the Church. In some cases, he is suggesting this as an option to the Annulment Process. His purpose is to find a way to feed all the sheep from the table of the Lord; all those who sincerely want to follow the Lord; all those who are hungry for God; all those who believe in Jesus and desire what he has to offer; all those who seek healing and new life. He represents the “Good Shepherd” who leaves the 99 and goes in search of the lost sheep.

Do we really trust that Pope Francis is Peter, and that he was chosen by God and given authority for this mission in time; that he was duly elected by the Bishops; that he is a man of morals, holiness, faith, and love for the poor and the Church? Then, why are we so quick to disagree and judge his words as wrong? Why are we not able to give him the benefit of the doubt, and seek to hear what he is really trying to say? Why do we trust more in our own knowledge and understanding, our own perception, than we do the one that God chose to be Peter? Why do we trust more in the written word than in Jesus, the true Word of God? Why do we trust more in rules and laws than we do the Holy Spirit? Surely, there must be a solution to this dilemma that does not violate Church doctrine, and one that people are able to live with. Perhaps what needs to change, or rather develop, is our understanding of sin, and the proper disposition for receiving the Sacraments. If the Annulment Process is a valid gift of the Holy Spirit, then surely, the “internal forum” is just as valid and trustworthy.

Jesus said, of the Holy Spirit, “And when he comes he will convince the world of sin and of righteousness and of judgment: of sin, because they do not believe in me; of righteousness, because I go to the Father, and you will see me no more; of judgment, because the ruler of this world is judged.” Jn. 16:8-11. “The Spirit exposes the sin of unbelief for what it is (3:20), convinces the world that Christ, though condemned as a criminal, was truly righteous (8:46), and makes it known that Satan, and every enemy of Christ will face judgment for rejecting him (5:26-29; 12:31).”

When I was growing up, divorce among Catholics was very rare. When divorce became very prevalent among Catholics, the Church revised and activated the Annulment Process. It became apparent that for such an increase in divorce among Catholics, there must have been something missing in their marriage that prevented them from having a truly Sacramental Marriage.

I was married for 24 years. I believed that my marriage was a Sacramental Marriage even though it ended in divorce, and even though I was the one who initiated it. We were both baptized Catholics, committed in our faith. We both believed in the permanency of Marriage and wanted a family. There were no apparent impediments to our marriage, at the time. I believed that we made this choice freely. We were engaged for a year and I prayed for God’s will, that if it was not God’s will, he would show me. It was always my belief that if I sincerely wanted only God’s will, especially in major life decisions, and asked God for it in prayer, God would show me in some way if it was not his will. He would stand in the way of our marriage. I believe that if my will is surrendered to God’s will, he will not let me down. Therefore, when I got married I felt confident that God was blessing our marriage. We were not alone in this. I also believe that God permits sin and evil when to intervene would violate our free will, and when he can bring greater good out of it. Evil never has the last word. But, my will was for God’s will to be done.

After our divorce, and attempts to be reconciled, I applied for an annulment at the urging of my pastor. I did not really believe that the Church would grant me an annulment. But, they did, on the grounds of “Lack of due discretion.” Even after the annulment, I still believed that my marriage was a Sacramental Marriage. We had both been very active in the Church; me, as a Spiritual Director, and my husband, as a Deacon.

At the time of our divorce, our marriage had gone through numerous family challenges, crises and trials. We had to contend with external as well as internal negative forces. I welcomed the Annulment Process because it gave me an opportunity to come to know myself better by examining my life before, during, and after my marriage ended. It also gave me the option or legal freedom to enter Religious Life if the annulment was granted. Again, I prayed to know God’s will. I entered Religious Life a few years after my annulment, after much discernment. God revealed his will, one stage at a time. When it came down to taking final vows, he did not allow me to go forward. I left the community after ten years, before final vows, because the Abbess General did not believe that I was called to their particular community. I have no regrets and see my time in Religious Life, as well as my leaving as a gift. I gave a lot to them and received a lot from them.

Neither, my husband or I ever remarried. It has been 30 years since our Divorce. Although I believed that we were free when we got married, and made the choice with full freedom, I have only just recently discovered that there probably were psychological impediments that would challenge our marriage, at least unconscious ones, but I don’t believe they could prevent a Sacramental Marriage. The biggest challenges in our marriage were ignorance, lack of good parenting skills, unrealistic expectations and communications. My husband was too strict and I was too permissive, he was too conservative and I was too liberal. We were able to meet these challenges until our family was hit with many severe trials from outside. This took its toll on me, emotionally, mentally, and physically. I don’t think I would have ever pursued a divorce, otherwise.

I always had some doubts about the Annulment Process. I could not understand how, even with two courts, the judges could possibly make the determination after 24 years of marriage to grant us an annulment. Even my husband and I could not make that determination, because our testimonies, regardless of our sincerity, were dubious. The duress I experienced prior to our divorce and the numbness I felt, made me even doubt if I was ever in love with my husband, which was ridiculous. This, I am sure, clouded my perception and testimony. The duress my husband experienced, along with his anger and rage, clouded his perception. When it comes down to it, the judges cannot make the right determination without the gift of the Holy Spirit.

Only the Holy Spirit can give priests and bishops the power and gifts needed to make such pastoral decisions; as well as to grant absolution in Confession with certainty that there is true repentance and honesty. The Holy Spirit often gives them the ability to read souls even when they are not aware of it, and to give counsel from the Holy Spirit even when they are not aware of it. All pastors do not have the same degree of these charisms, however. “Having gifts that differ according to the grace given to us, let us use them: if prophecy, in proportion to our faith; if service, in our serving; he who teaches, in his teaching; he who exhorts, in his exhortation; he who contributes, in liberality; he who gives aid, with zeal; he who does acts of mercy, with cheerfulness.” (Rom.12:6-8).

I believe that the Church can make mistakes in their prudential judgments, and even with two separate courts, there is always room for error. But, God would not allow it unless he could bring greater good from it. God often writes straight with crooked lines. He does not need humans to be perfect, only to be faithful. He can work with our limitations and mistakes. He gave Peter authority over the Church, not because he was all-knowing or perfect, but because of his faith. Jesus has great trust in us.

Without the Holy Spirit, the Church would be merely a secular institution. Without faith and the Holy Spirit, how could we trust in the validity of Apostolic Succession, the Sacraments, the power of Ordination to enable priests to forgive sins in “persona Christi,” the infallibility of Scripture and the teachings of the Magisterium, the granting of Annulments, the “internal forum,” etc. Neither could we trust the testimony of the Apostles and believe in Jesus and his teachings and deeds.

It took me 30 years to trust that the Holy Spirit was working through the Church in granting me an annulment. As long as my husband or I believed that our marriage was a Sacramental Marriage, we really were not free to remarry. For me, the annulment was invalid because it went against my conscience. I only filed in order to have the Church confirm that we were still married. An annulment seems to suggest that God was not present in the marriage, and I knew this was not true. It is hard for me to even imagine that we could have lived together for 24 years, and brought out the best in each other for most of that time, unless our marriage was a valid Sacramental Marriage. I often had doubts about the annulment over the years. Even today, I still feel very connected to my husband through our children and the common life we shared. It seems to me that total freedom is both objective and subjective. Just as I was not free to remarry, I was not truly free to enter a Religious Community for life. I could never have accepted a permanent separation from all my family. My first vocation was to my family.

I believed that my marriage was a true and valid marriage because I believed that I was in love with my husband and that he loved me, as well. I sincerely sought God’s will before I married him. I took vows, of my own free will. My only desire was to be a good wife and mother, to make my husband happy, and to raise my children to love God and to be good citizens. The first two years were happy, followed by two years of doubt and struggle. We both had a lot of maturing to do. We were both lacking in knowledge when it came to married life and parenting. Then, I experienced a deeper conversion and the baptism of the Holy Spirit. After that, for the next 15 years, we continued to grow in our faith and service to God and the Church. There was much evidence of the working of grace in our marriage and family. But, eventually our family was torn asunder by many trials and crises, leading to a breakdown in our marriage, and divorce.

I love my former spouse as much today, as I did when I married him, but not in the same way. We still have a relationship, but not the same kind of relationship. We have different duties, goals, and life purpose. We still share the same love and hopes for our children, however, and are truly a “family.” I love him as a brother, and have always prayed for him daily, desiring only good for him, and God’s will. I think he feels the same. Our lives, however, are no longer interdependent.

Do I regret marrying my husband, or believe that it was a mistake and should not have happened? No! I have many happy memories of our life together, and most of those years were the most fruitful years of my life. We created a beautiful family, together. I would not be the person I am today if it was not for my husband and marriage. Do I regret our divorce and my life since then? Something died in our relationship and marriage, due to our neglect, and I sometimes mourn the loss of that, but I have no regrets. We have both continued to grow and to be fruitful. I will always honor him and be grateful for him.

I did not regret getting an annulment, at the time, but would choose to reverse it today if I could. It caused a lot of confusion and pain for my children, even though they were adults. I think it was even harder for them to accept the annulment than it was to accept the divorce. However, I would not have been able to enter Religious Life without an annulment, and I think that 10 years was an important part of my life. I believe that those who enter Religious Life should not be forced to get an annulment, first. The “internal forum” would be much more appropriate.

I would recommend an annulment for young couples who get divorced, and those with small children, or those whose spouse has remarried another. But, older couples and those who have older children should think twice before getting married again. They need to adjust to being a single person and living alone, first. I think that they would benefit by the “internal forum” more than by a formal annulment.

One day, one of my daughters told me that they were so grateful that my husband and I never remarried someone else, because we have been able to stay together as a family. Mixed families bring a host of new problems and adjustments. All of my daughters have been married to the same man over 25 years.

I am very grateful to God for all of my life, and for the family he has given us. Recently, all our children, grandchildren, spouses, and great-grandchildren traveled to Albuquerque to celebrate my husband’s 80thbirthday. There were 33 of us in all. I was so proud of our family and the honor and respect they have for their father. Everyone payed tribute to him and shared their most memorable memories of him; including me. They were all so happy to be all together. The spouse of one of my granddaughters’ shared, with tears in his eyes, that he never really had a family, and he was so grateful and happy to be a part of this one. To me, this is the meaning of “family.”

Jesus said to Peter (Church): “I will give you the keys of the kingdom of heaven, and whatever you bind on earth shall be bound in heaven, and whatever you loose on earth shall be loosed in heaven.” (Matt. 16:19). This was the same authority that God gave to Moses in his time. Jesus was not critical of Moses, he merely explained the reasoning behind Moses’ decision. Perhaps the times we live in today, call for Annulments and Internal Forums, but when Jesus comes again, he may say: “For the hardness of heart [Peter] allowed you to divorce your wives, [and annul your marriages], but from the beginning it was not so. And I say to you: whoever divorces his wife, [or annuls his marriage], except for unchastity, and marries another, commits adultery.” (Matt.19:8-9).

Except for those who are Saints, I doubt that anyone who has been divorced has not fallen into adultery; whether their marriage is annulled or whether they remain single or remarry. After a divorce, people are very vulnerable to illicit relationships and adultery. They have not learned how to cope with loneliness and the need for intimacy. They want to be loved, and to love someone else. They are looking for a replacement to what they have lost. They really believe that their marriage just died. Their perception and ability to reason is impaired. Their values and sense of right and wrong is confused. After a divorce, many Catholics automatically excommunicate themselves from the Church. They do not feel worthy to stay. This is usually unconscious. Some just get lost in the world and do not know how to get back home; back to where they were before they fell. This is the way with all serious sin. These are the ones that Pope Francis is searching for. If I had not entered Religious Life, I think I would have been very vulnerable to falling into illicit or unhealthy relationships or an irregular marriage.

From the beginning, God intended marriage to be between one man and one woman, for the whole of their life. He intended for them to leave the authority of their parents and begin a new family; to be joined together, and to become one. From the beginning, outside of Paradise, marriage included many so-called impediments, psychological problems, human failings, sin, tragedy, and trials to contend with. Whether a marriage ends in divorce or annulment, there are devastating consequences to face; the same kind of consequences that all sin has. Nevertheless, God can always bring good out of evil, out of sin, and out of all our bad choices, when we turn back to him.

It seems to me, in my limited understanding, that when Jesus addressed the Pharisees about the question of Marriage and Divorce in Matthew Ch. 19, he was speaking of all Marriages made in good faith, sealed by the exchange of vows, not just those of baptized followers. The Sacrament gives them additional grace to enable them to keep their vows, but Marriage was instituted by God with Adam and Eve, when he made them one flesh. Christ existed from the beginning, and always was. Or, am I missing something?