EVERY LIFE IS A GIFT

We Are Loved into Life by God

I was born in 1942. The world I grew up in was very different than the world of today. The goal of most women was Marriage and Family. Career goals were for those who didn’t want to get married; or tabled until after the child rearing years were over. The primary incentive for college, for those women who could afford it, was to become more “well-rounded” and to meet suitable mates. Sex outside of marriage was considered immoral and socially unacceptable by most people. Pregnancy outside of marriage was like wearing a scarlet letter A, telling the world that you were a tainted woman.

I was very idealistic as a teenager. I wanted to be the perfect wife and mother, and was determined to remain a virgin until marriage, to present myself as a perfect gift to my husband. Actually, I was not even allowed to date until I was sixteen.

When I was eighteen, I met a very charming and handsome man, an actor; and unknown to me, was previously married and divorced, with a prison record, as well. After 3 months of dating, he drugged and raped me. As a result, I became pregnant. Abortion and adoption would not have been options for me, even if abortion was legal. My baby was part of me. The only options were to raise my baby as a single parent or have a “shot-gun wedding.” I could not tell my parents that I had been raped because I was afraid my father might kill him. I also battled with guilt, wondering if I somehow brought this on myself; if I was guilty of tempting him. My biggest fear was telling my parents, because their faith and trust in me was very important. I was in a state of shock for several months. I never did tell my parents about the rape, and so we were married in Las Vegas. However, we never lived together after the marriage. Fortunately, my parents were very supportive, and showed me that their faith and trust in me, as well as their love, was unconditional. I knew that if my father still believed in me, I could believe in myself, and raise this baby on my own with their help.

Nevertheless, I was still depressed and confused. In my distress, I turned to God for help. I prayed, “Lord, how did this happen? Did I, somehow, bring this on myself? Is this pregnancy a punishment? What do you want to teach me through this? What is your will for me?” God heard my prayer and came to me in a dream.

I dreamt that I was traveling across country in a car on the way to Ohio, my birthplace. We were in the middle of the desert. My father was the driver and I was sitting in the back seat. Suddenly, parts of the car began to lift off and float away—the doors, roof, hood, windows—until all that was left was the foundation of the car. Then, a shower of beautiful, indescribable jewels began to fall out of the sky into my lap; they were as light as feathers. I was filled with joy and awe. I said, “Daddy, stop the car, I have to see where these are coming from.” I got out of the car and found myself in a beautiful crystal city of white sparkling gems. I cannot express the joy and wonder I felt. There are no words to describe it. I had an apron around my waist and began picking up loose gems from the ground and putting them into my apron. Suddenly, I heard voices behind me. I turned around to look, and suddenly I was looking out across a countryside. I saw people running towards me, but they couldn’t see me. They were dressed in biblical clothing. Their faces were filled with fear and they were shouting, “Jeremiah is coming, Jeremiah is coming!” I looked behind them and saw a huge Mountain. On the top of the mountain, stood a man dressed in a long white robe, sandals on his feet, with long hair and a staff in his hands. I blinked my eyes, and suddenly, the man disappeared, and the mountain was split in two, from east to west, with a wide valley running between. I found myself wondering what happened; what happened to the man and how did the one mountain become two. I blinked my eyes again, and just as suddenly, one half of the mountain began to withdraw and spread out to the north; the other half of the mountain spread out moving to the south. The valley that ran through the mountain was filled in by the shift, leaving no outlet. Again, I was puzzled, trying to understand how this happened. It was almost like looking at still snap-shots of each change.

I woke up, trembling and filled with awe. I knew this was no ordinary dream, that I had experienced God, face to face. I felt a strange fear, wondering, “Why me? Who am I that I should be given such an awesome gift?” I tried to tell my mother the dream, trembling, with tears flooding my eyes. My mother said, “Why are you crying?” I replied, “I don’t know, what does it mean? Who is Jeremiah?” My mother said she thought he was a prophet in the bible, and that I should look in the bible. I opened the bible but didn’t know where to look or what I was looking for.

Then, I realized that the dream had changed me. Suddenly, I knew that the child in my womb was not a punishment, but a gift; that all life is a gift, no matter what the circumstances. God loves us into life. I began to rejoice and thank God for this child growing within me. I was filled with love for this child and was healed of many of the effects that normally are associated with rape. I had no anger or bitterness towards the man who did this to me, only pity and sorrow for him, and I began to pray for him. I had not lost my virginity in vain. I began to prepare myself for motherhood. Somehow, I knew I was going to have a son. I had two names picked out, Michael and Daniel.

I recall that a month before I was due to give birth, my doctor asked me if I had thought about giving the baby up for adoption, because he knew a couple that would be happy to adopt him. I was in shock and began to cry. I couldn’t believe that he would think I could do that. I said to him: “I could never give up my baby.” I think when he saw how much I wanted him, he was very diligent in his care for me and for my baby.

When the time came for me to give birth, on the way to the hospital, I asked the Lord, “What shall I call him?” Then, I saw a sign that said, “Vote for Danny Thomas,” so I decided to name him Daniel. The doctor suspected there was a problem because it seemed the baby had been ready to literally fall out of the womb for weeks. He was so low, and I was three weeks early as it was. Earlier that day, when my doctor examined me, he told me to call him and go to the hospital if anything at all happened. Later, I had a slight showing, but no labor. Nothing happened after I got to the hospital. After several hours the doctor decided to induce labor. As soon as he broke my water, the labor became so intense that I was delirious with pain. I said, “Push the baby back, I can’t go on, I’ll come back tomorrow and try again.” I was so weak, I couldn’t even clench my fist or scream out. But, there was no turning back! There was not even time for the medication to take effect. The doctor had to remove my son with forceps because the cord was wrapped around his neck. He was blue and bruised, but by the next day, fully recovered. I believe that if I had waited any longer, my baby would have strangled to death.

My son, after years of living the “wild life,” heard the Lord call him while some people were praying with him, and one of them read the call of Jeremiah from scripture. He joined a religious community and they gave him a new name, Brother Jeremiah. One day as I was praying, I reflected on the dream I had when I was pregnant with him and wondered what the name, Jeremiah, means. So, I looked it up in Webster’s Dictionary. It means, literally, “Saved from the womb; loosed from the cord.” I began to rejoice and shared my story with my son. He wept, thanking God. Then, just before his final vows, Jeremiah met a young woman, fell in love, and decided to get married. His marriage ended in divorce, however, but also with a son, the love of his life. Jeremiah has gone through many desert experiences, many failures and successes. But, he still knows his life has meaning and purpose, and wants to live it out loving and serving others.

One day, as I was reading scripture, I came across a passage from Zechariah, Chapter 14: “That day his feet shall rest upon the Mount of Olives, which is opposite Jerusalem to the east. The Mount of Olives shall be cleft in two from east to west by a very deep valley, and half of the mountain shall move to the north and half of it to the south. And the valley of the Lord’s mountain shall be filled up when the valley of those two mountains reaches its edge; it shall be filled up as it was filled up by the earthquake in the days of King Uzziah of Judah. Then the Lord, my God, shall come, and all his holy ones with him.” This was my dream! I couldn’t believe it! I still didn’t know what it meant, but that wasn’t important.

When I had the dream, I was in a “wilderness” experience, desolate and broken. This is symbolized by the drive through the desert. I was on my way to my birthplace. This symbolizes my pregnancy, as well as a journey of re-birth for me. The car is symbolic of my life; of me. My father was driving; I was still but a child, living under my father’s roof. The collapse of the car, all the outer parts ripped away, was the collapse of my ideals, dreams and hopes for the future. The foundation that remained was faith, hope and love. The jewels falling into my lap from the sky were gifts and graces from God—healing, mercy, compassion, hope, gifts of the Holy Spirit—completely gratuitous gifts and graces from God. The desire to find the source of these gifts was a call from God. The crystal city was the kingdom of God, a foretaste of heaven. The apron I wore was symbolic of a servant, and ministry; of a call from God. The jewels I picked up and put into my apron were gifts of the Spirit that I chose or acquired through service. The coming of Jeremiah was the announcement of the son I was carrying. God called him from my womb, to be a prophet—a servant of God, as he did me. The man on top of the mountain was Jesus, preparing me for his coming more fully into my life, and perhaps reminding me that his final coming could be at any time; to be ready. The rest of the dream has not been revealed. I do know that between each of those stages of change in Zechariah, it could be a day, a thousand days, or a thousand years. It didn’t happen all at once; at least it didn’t seem so in my dream.

Looking back over my spiritual journey, I have to believe that it started with my Confirmation; that time in a Catholic’s life when we are prepared to answer the call to follow Jesus, to be a witness; a call to holiness and to become Saints; a call to receive the Holy Spirit in a fuller way, empowering us with the gifts of the Holy Spirit. The seed of God’s call was planted within me when I responded with my “yes.”

The next stage of my call was my experience of rape and pregnancy. I believe that God was very pleased with my “yes” to accepting my son as a gift. He blessed me with the knowledge that every life is a gift. There are no mistakes. Every person is loved into life by God. He gave me a prophetic dream that would eventually lead me to search for him, and through the Baptism of the Holy Spirit, he brought fulfillment to that dream. He showed me that everyone is called to holiness, to be a Saint. All life is a gift from God, meant to be given away in love to others.