Poor Me! Me Too! Me, Not You!

By Lenora Grimaud

We are definitely going through another cultural change, but it is not one that I want for my children and grandchildren. Of course, I am responding to what I see and hear in the political arena, the media, and to “comments” on various religious articles. I hope and pray that this mind-set does not filter down into the minds and hearts of the people; especially Christians. In previous years, people were asked to choose between life and death (parading as freedom). Today, they are being asked to choose between love and narcissism (parading as freedom).

St. Paul tells us what love is in his first letter to the Corinthians, chapter 13:4-7, 13.

Love is always patient and kind; it is never jealous; love is never boastful or conceited; it is never rude or selfish; it does not take offense, and is not resentful. Love takes no pleasure in other people’s sins but delights in the truth; it is always ready to excuse, to trust, to hope and to endure whatever comes. Love does not come to an end . . . . In short, there are three things that last: faith, hope, and love; and the greatest of these is love.

We should take note that St. Paul does not say that love never offends anyone, but that love “does not take offense.” Every human being offends their neighbor every day, and especially those they love the most. This is because humans have always been tempted to take those they love, respect, and trust, for granted. We are naturally guarded against those we do not love, do not like, do not respect, and do not trust. Another reason is that we want to treat others the way we want to be treated. This can be offensive to some people, and some people are offended by everything. Every person is different; having different likes and dislikes, different preferences and aversions, and different expectations. That’s life! These differences often become the daily crosses in our life.

Everyone, whether we are male or female, has their own personal, invisible boundaries. No one knows our boundaries unless we let them know, in some way. Yet today, people take offense even for times in years past when someone invaded their personal space, or boundaries. This is very narcissistic. Evidently, they took no responsibility for protecting their own boundaries, at the time, and now they want to retaliate. We cannot undo the past, we can only learn from it. The choice to do something different is no longer ours; it is in the past. We also cannot expect others to read our mind; to know instinctively what will offend us, regardless of what they did or did not intend.

Many years ago (I am a woman of many years), I went to hug a priest that I knew quite well. He immediately stepped back. I knew from his behavior that I was crossing his boundaries, even though I have always been a touchy, feely, person. I respected him for letting me know. If he did not step back, I certainly would never have thought that I owed him an apology; then, or later. If I hugged him in spite of his resistance, then I would have something to apologize for.

Today, women are once again giving in to the aggressive political demands of feminism, and think it is courageous to publicly admonish men for past offenses when their boundaries were invaded. Why didn’t they do or say something at the time? They could have stepped back, put up their hand, or done something to let a man know that it was offensive. But, they didn’t! Why not? Perhaps it was because they wanted to hide their feelings so that they would be accepted by others; or they were afraid to be real. They chose to live a lie in order to win the approval of others. We cannot expect others to respect us if we cannot respect ourselves.

People used to understand why it was important to forgive others who abused or hurt them in any way; their family, friends, neighbors, co-workers, and even their enemies. They understood this because they knew their self. They knew what it did to them when they refused to forgive anyone, or when they were not forgiven by others. They knew they were capable of great evil, even if they did not do evil. They knew that the refusal to forgive would harden their hearts; fill them with resentment, bitterness, anger, hatred, revenge, fear, shame, and guilt. They knew it would blind them to truth and to God; it would diminish their ability to love. They knew they would not be able to receive forgiveness from God.

Forgiving those who hurt or harm us does not necessarily set them free, but it sets us free. Jesus taught: “Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you” (Mt 5:44). He also taught: “Yes, if you forgive others their failings, your heavenly Father will forgive you yours; but if you do not forgive others, your Father will not forgive you your failings either” (Mt 6:14-15). Jesus said: “Do not judge, and you will not be judged; because the judgments you give are the judgments you will get, and the amount you measure out is the amount you will be given” (Mt 7:1-2). If we cannot show others mercy, how can we expect to receive mercy? We cannot receive the healing power of forgiveness from God when our hearts are hardened by refusing to forgive, to love, others.

Forgiveness does not mean that we condone or tolerate evil. We punish our children when they misbehave because we love them and want to teach them to do good. We do not punish them for revenge, or out of rage, or because we hate them. In fact, we wish we did not have to discipline them. We fail to forgive when we cannot pray for those who hurt us; when we have bitterness, hatred, resentment, or revenge in our hearts; when we don’t hope and pray for conversion and salvation of our enemies—for repentance and rehabilitation; when we seek to destroy them or want to see them destroyed; when we don’t help them to get help. The best way to stop someone from abusing others is to pray for their conversion and salvation, and let God do the rest.

We used to take Jesus at his word. But, alas, today we only want to blame someone else for everything that happens to us; for our sins and failings; for not getting everything we want in life; for all our suffering, pain, and loss; and for all the bad choices we have made in life. We refuse to take any responsibility, or to repent for anything. We want everyone to know we are victims, and want to remain victims. We want to make others pay for our unhappiness, poverty, and slavery. We choose to believe that it is the fault of others that we are not happy, successful, powerful; healthy, wealthy, and wise. We want the world to revolve around us. We are becoming very narcissistic, but we will not be free. “Whoever does not bear his own cross and come after me, cannot be my disciple.” (Lk 14:27)