A Word for Parents

Most parents want the very best in life for their children. They want them to be happy and fulfilled; to be free to be the person they were created to be; to become the best version of themselves; to make their own choices when they become adults. The problem is that very few people, if any, are really “born free.” We all seem to come into this world crying and complaining or passive and lethargic. It sometimes takes us years before we become fully awake. When we do, our fears, anxieties, and unrealistic guilt also wake up.

Some of the things that parents are most afraid of are:

· That their child will become addicted to drugs or alcohol

· That their child will suffer pain, loss, and death

· That their child will never be independent due to some illness or handicap; or a mental, emotional, or physical disorder

· That their child will be gay or have a gender identity issue

Parents can have a lot of anxiety, fear, unrealistic guilt, and hopelessness in regards to their children. Deep down, many parents believe that whatever bad happens to their child is their fault; or they blame God or someone else. Because they love their children so much, their greatest desire and hope is the happiness and fulfillment of their children. Love comes from God, and this is what God wants for all of us, as well.

Children also have a lot of fear, anxiety, and guilt, of their own. When added to what their parents project, these fears, anxieties, guilt, and hopelessness can make “growing up” very traumatic.

Some of the fears that children have are:

· Fear of failure. They love their parents and don’t want to disappoint them or make them unhappy.

· Fear of Success. The more success they have, the more will be expected from them; and the more they will fear failure.

· Fear of rejection by their peers. They have an inordinate need to belong; to be part of a group, family, or community. This is especially true for children who are poor, uneducated, or come from broken homes; or have some disability or illness.

· If they come from happy, stable families, they may fear leaving the family; they fear separation; they fear independence. This is especially true if parents fear being separated; fear losing them; fear having the family unit broken.

· Fear of not being good enough; fear of not having anything to give to others; fear of not fitting in, of being different.

· Fear of not finding a suitable mate.

· Fear of their sexuality.

· Fear of losing what they have.

· Fear of being alone, and of feeling lonely.

Whether we are parents or children, fear, worry, anxiety, and guilt are extremely painful and stressful, and can either paralyze us or lead us to rash and aggressive behavior; such as anger and blaming. They can lead to hopelessness and to dangerous escapes, like: unsuitable relationships; gangs and disordered peer groups; sex, alcohol, drugs, and all sorts of addictions. We can become passive/aggressive. We may become depressed and avoid any kind of action, waiting for life and opportunity to come to us, rather than stepping out and living life; never making a decision or choice for fear it will be wrong or lead to failure; never reaching out, for fear we will be slapped down or rejected.

Jesus said: “Ask, and it will be given you; seek, and you will find; knock, and it will be opened to you” (Mt 7:7). Humility and honesty enables us to ask. Love enables us to seek. Faith enables us to knock; and leads to hope and happiness. Asking is the beginning of understanding and compassion. Seeking is the beginning of true knowledge and wisdom. Knocking is the beginning of faith and fulfillment—being free and fully alive. However, we need to ask the right person—Jesus. We need to seek in the right place—prayer. We need to knock at the right door—the kingdom of God; then, we will ask for the right things.

Parents need to pray for wisdom and understanding and let go of their fears. They need to depend on Jesus, asking him for everything, and let go of their guilt. They need to live in the kingdom of God, and trust in the Lord. They need to keep open, the door to communication with their children; assure them of their unconditional love; and wait patiently for their children to confide in them with honesty.

There is no easy short way to maturity, recovery, healing, or holiness. If we are fortunate, we will take two steps forward and only one step backward; but it is a life-long journey. We should not be troubled when our children take a step backward; instead, we should encourage them to keep going forward.